quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Randomize
