i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
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