You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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