Even the bartender felt bad for me
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
