FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
