I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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