Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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