he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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