he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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