seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
