I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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