so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
