So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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