I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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