The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
