mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Rumble strips road head = magical
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
