i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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