So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
