i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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