This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
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