Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
