If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
