I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
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