Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Randomize