Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
You can't just leave with hair like that
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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