Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
