I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
im on a boat
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