I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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