She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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