would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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