as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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