Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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