I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
