have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
