Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
