i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
