I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
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