is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize