Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
