hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
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