hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
