she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize