11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
