I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
