So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
