There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
