i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
