you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
