I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
