Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
You made out with two different species that night
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize