You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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