Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Just pee around me
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
