life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
