Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Randomize
