My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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