Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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