physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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